I awoke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and chatter coming from the kitchen. I kicked the warm covers away and began to stretch to waken my body when Champ let out an exhausted yawn. He placed his sleepy head on my lap and with his tail happily wagging. I reached my hands down to scratch the sweet spot behind his ears and in return, he planted a slobbering lick across my face. I chuckled trying to get him to stop and as if it were contagious, I could hear the laughter that roared from the kitchen. I couldn’t help but smile. 

What a blessed way to wake up on Christmas Eve morning. 

I made my way to the kitchen.  Shawn and Chunky looked up from their places at the table and greeted me with excited smiles. I could see that the tree was lit in the living room, ready for the night’s celebration. Christmas music softly played from the radio as Shawn and I discussed what needed to be cooked, baked, and cleaned in preparation for the night’s festivities. We both took in a breath before we left the table, knowing that it was going to be an extremely busy few days, but this time?

This time, I was ready.

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I walked into Dr.B's office for the first time in 6 weeks, that's not including the debacle that occurred last Thursday. 6. WHOLE. WEEKS. When you're dealing with a mental illness 6 weeks away from your health care provider is equal to an eternity.

I had lots to say.

He greeted me with his usual knee slapper quote to break the ice "So did I cure you yet?" and I reciprocated with my usual "You're so lame" eye roll. I found my way to the frumpy plaid couch, where so many of my tears have been shed and sat down. I smiled as I began to recall an "ah ha" moment I had last week:

Chunky played quietly at my feet while I sifted through the advertisement flyers. When I came across an ad for Michael's, I went right to the scrapbooking section to peek at the new line of fall pages and embellishments. Rustic browns and burnt oranges leaped from the page and sparked a growing excitement in my stomach. I wanted to start scrapbooking again.

I packed up Chunky after our morning routine and headed to Michael's. We had a ball as we scoured through the scrapbook department looking at papers full of colour. We were surrounded by beautiful bright yellows, and oranges, reds, and blues. In a sense, they were visually loud  but I wanted them to be. They were perfect.

We giggled at a page full of monkeys. Laughed when Chunky tried to lick the ice cream cone on another. We both took our turns picking out our favourite pages and I can remember just feeling so content at being in that very moment with him. Once we finished, we then headed through the maze of "dollar deal" racks on our way to the checkout counter. Chunky had reached out and snagged a stamp from one rack and so we stopped there. I started looking into the heaping pile and took a few or 10 that caught my eye and threw them into the cart.

When we got home, I eagerly emptied my Michael's bag of goodies onto the kitchen table, stacking the papers in neat coordinated piles and the stamps, I lined across the table. Chunky jumped up on the kitchen chair, pointed at the stamps and said "Was is?". I began reading the inscriptions on the stamps when the "ah ha" hit me.

Celebrate the small things

Laugh Out Loud

Life Is Beautiful

Today I Love

Happiness Is:

Hope

Each one of those positive statments I feel. I feel present in my life but more than that, I am content with being present. I feel that I want to be more apart of my life, my son's life, my family's life and I look forward to it. In this present I see happiness,  I see love, and I see colours. I see bright beautiful swarming colours in a world that looked so bleak to me for 2 whole years. I feel them resonating in my soul giving me hope, giving me strength, making me find peace.

I am happy.

When I finished I my story, I looked over at Dr. B and saw his proud smile. I then said, "Dr. B, I'm not cured yet, but I'm the closest I've ever been to that light at the end of the tunnel. It is so beautiful."

He smiled and said,

"Welcome back Kimberly" 

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